Lordy! Legolas and the Unadventures
by Leila Winters
Summary: Getting zapped into the land of elves, Leila meets Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood. His fiancee has come to town and nobody is happy. Currently have no recollection of writing this. I know I did - long ago - but wow. Cracked.
1. Lordy! Legolas and the Unadventures

Writer's Note:  I am not looking for accuracy here.  In fact, if you want to correct any of my historical or fantasy facts, then please be forewarned that I will most likely ignore them.  I am a big fan of breaking the rules.  That, and Legolas.  So ha.  ^_^

Disclaimer:  Though it goes without saying during the course of my rants that I do not own _The Lord of the Rings _or any of the things that go on in it, I DO however, have a very active imagination and enjoy changing things for my own benefit.  But don't sue me.  You'd get a pretty lousy penny indeed.

NOTE:  This story takes place at a time when Legolas had that cute innocence before the whole Fellowship thing started, BUT he is well acquainted with those that were in it.  (So I guess post First Movie, but with things a little more normal and people still alive.)  I don't know anymore.  All you gotta worry about is Legolas!

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Leila Winters

Fake age:  25

Fake occupation:  none

Official Title:  Computer Nerd.

Leila sits at her computer and reads tons of stupid stories on a bunch of characters that really don't exist.  She doesn't mind.  She dabbles in anime, parodies, and fantasies.  Ah, but little does she know that her recluse-of-a-life is going to change in just a few short hours.  

You see, just three days ago, Leila discovered that she could control things that happened in her fantasy worlds.  This got her very excited.  She knew that if she could get things to be her way, she would be a whole lot happier and show those pathetic excuses for people how to do REAL parodies.

And then she realized that she left the microwave running for ten minutes and rushed to grab her bubbling veggie soup that was cooked carefully in a microwave-safe bowl.

Leila sipped her beefy consommé portion and scrolled down on her computer, so that she could continue reading up on her dearest Prince of Mirkwood.

Blushing slightly, Leila let out a small squeal, "Oh, Legolas, how could these people be so cruel to you?"

The universe works in strange ways.  Somehow, it left a strange hole in the fabric of time and space sitting just inches from Leila's computer monitor.  Why nobody spotted it before today is beyond me, but let's not nitpick, now shall we?

In distress, Leila leaned in very close to her computer screen and clenched all of her muscles in suspense, when suddenly, she felt herself melt.  Not that lovey-dovey feeling, nor the physical torment of actually melting like hot candle wax, but a soft, warm feeling…like she was transcending through various fantasies.

Opening her eyes, Leila noticed that she wasn't in her humble abode in Koytropolis anymore.  She had somehow transported to a strange and mossy forest.

Leila took a look around in awe of the beauty of the place.  "Huh.  Interesting."

And then, upon closer inspection she realized she was not in a forest, but a slightly wooded area, that while not really wooded, had more moss than wood.  And the trees that were around were actually little saplings that were growing upon immense cliffs that held a massive city.  Rivendell.

"Hmm.  That's interesting."

Instead of worrying and doing a lot of crying, Leila plodded towards the beautiful city.

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Legolas Greenleaf

Real age:  unknown

Real occupation:  currently unemployed…

Official Title:  Prince of Mirkwood

Legolas let loose another barrage of arrows which shot cleanly through the center of several apples that were being tossed into the air.

"Isn't it about time you took a break, Prince?"  Mimi, a young elven servant crept up behind the tall blonde elf.  "No offense, sir, but you've been at it for three hours and your parents say that it's about time for you to find something else to do."

The prince gave the girl a glance before continuing with his archery.  "And why would they say that?  Do they dislike me excelling my father in this practice?"

Mimi looked nervously around.  "Um, no, sir.  But your hands are bleeding and blistered from so much work.  You should rest them for another day."

Legolas sighed and motioned for his other servants to stop the exercise.  "Mimi, tell Mother and Father that I will be going on a walk.  I will return for supper."

"Yes, sir."

With that, the prince stalked off for more adventures.  He found himself wandering a slightly less traveled by trail and found himself coming closer to a girl sitting on a rock and talking to herself in despair.

"Geez, this place is mossy."

Okay.  Well, if not despair, certainly peevishness.

The girl continued to mutter to herself and did not notice Legolas approach from behind.

"Excuse me," a gentle voice began.

Leila tensed and looked cautiously behind her.  Her eyes changed to a sparkle.  "Wow.  You have a striking resemblance to Orlando Bloom.  You know the guy?"

The prince gave her a perplexed look.  "Um…I do not believe so.  Is he an elf?"

Leila shrugged.  "No, not really.  He's more human than anything, but some will argue against even that."

"I see…"  Legolas replied, not really seeing.

"Where am I, anyways?  Rivendell?"

"Uh…yes.  Are you having trouble finding your way?"

"Not really.  But I sure could use some company."

The prince nodded.  "Then I will be the one to accompany you."

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"So, Leila, where do you come from?"  Legolas led the way towards the city of elves, his wispy hair blowing gently in the wind.

The girl gave her favorite little elf her best smile.  "Not from here, that's for sure.  In fact, I sort of stumbled upon this place."

"What were you seeking?"

"An adventure."

"Ah.  Won't your family miss you, then?"

Leila gave a shrug.  "Not really.  I live alone in a small apartment with friends and family hardly stopping by.  They're used to me disappearing for some periods of time.  How about you?  Why are your fingers bleeding?"

The prince actually looked sheepish.  "I was practicing for too long with my bow and arrow."

"I hear you're quite proficient with that weapon."

"Oh?  Does my reputation precede me?"

"Sort of.  The Legendary Legolas Greenleaf.  I know more about you from watching you than from actually hearing about you."

The prince looked surprised.  "Have we met before?"

Leila smiled.  "No."  And she walked ahead of him to explore the city, leaving Legolas grinning gently before following.

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Human and elf walked around the city speaking of many things.  They even talked about soap.

Leila looked curiously at Legolas.  "Y'know, you smell pretty good for a guy."

"I do enjoy being clean.  It must be the soap I use.  Mint and Lavender, my mother's favorite."

"Mint and Lavender, huh?  Sounds pretty girly."

The prince gave the girl a surprised look.  "Really?"

"On you, it's very attractive.  But where I come from, a guy would probably get punched in the face smelling like that…or at least looked at funny."

"What sort of soaps do the men in your world use?"

"Well, they tend to like things like cinnamon, orange spice and cool water."

Legolas looked curious.  "Your people have captured the scent of cool water?"

"Not quite."

Disappointment was etched in the elf's features.  "Oh," He immediately brightened, however, when he discovered that they were in front of a certain vendor that he had been seeking.

The woman behind the flat rock smiled at the prince's approach.  "Ah, my Prince of Mirkwood.  What can I do to help you today?"

Legolas smiled politely.  "An outfit for the lady to wear, and one to sleep in."

Leila looked shocked.  "What?  Oh no!  I'm fine.  You don't have to worry about me."

The prince shook off all of the girl's protests.  "You will look out of place indeed wandering around in…what did you call them?"

"Boxers."

"Yes, boxers and a tank top.  You have already begun to draw attention to yourself by being a human—it doesn't make any sense to draw more attention by being improperly dressed."

The girl looked embarrassed.  "Yes.  Okay.  But I'm afraid I'll need some shoes, too."  Leila looked down at her feet, which were decked out in blue fuzzy slippers.

"Yes, I was thinking that as well.  Very curious shoes.  What animal did they come from?  I've never seen anything of the like."

"Um…it's just cotton."

"Are you certain?"

"Yeah.  That's what the tag says."

"Hmm.  Interesting."

"That's what I said."

After retrieving and changing into a brown tunic and matching brown pants, Leila felt a whole lot better.  They also managed to snag some handy leather boots.  Leila thought about Xena, Warrior Princess and smiled.  _I gotta have her weeping in New Zealand.  _With her elvish garb and wispy, long black hair, Leila looked very much like some warrior—all she was missing was a nifty weapon.

"Leila, I must return to my home now, or my parents will worry about me.  They still haven't forgiven me for that Ring fiasco.  They say that I needlessly put myself in danger with my adventures and unstable friends."

"I'll be fine.  I'll just find myself something to do."

The prince looked surprised.  "I couldn't allow you to wander through the city alone.  Especially since you are not familiar with its quirks.  You may use my room.  You must be tired from all your adventures today.  You should rest."

Not at all willing to miss such an opportunity, Leila replied lamely with an "okay."

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"Son, it is time for you to find a wife."

The prince looked up from his meal in surprise.  "What?  Already?  But Father—"

His mother gently interrupted him.  "Now, Legolas.  You know that we have had an alliance with our neighboring elven city…"

"Mother, no!"  The prince actually looked mortified.

"Yes.  We have arranged a marriage between you and another family of noble blood."

"What is her name?"

"Sayamir, I believe it was," said the prince's father, taking a drink of his wine.

His mother's eyes glowed with excitement.  "She is very anxious to meet you, my son.  She cannot wait to hear more of your adventures with the orcs and the hobbits."

"Mother, you know I have no interest in marriage."

His father spoke this time, "But you must!  An heir must be produced!"

"She will be arriving in Rivendell in three days."

Legolas stood up, his supper no longer enjoyable.  "I'm sorry, but I must excuse myself.  Good evening, Father, Mother," and the prince stalked off to his room in a foul mood.

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The prince entered his chamber quietly, as most elves do, and proceeded to take off his gauntlets.  He turned to look at his large bed and found—curled innocently in the center—the girl sleeping soundly.  A smile formed on the elf's lips.  He turned to go out onto the adjoining balcony.

Leaning against the banister, Legolas gazed into the night, thinking of this upcoming problem.  He could not avoid marriage forever.  _But still…_

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^_^  I hope it wasn't too bad!  Don't worry, just because, it's a Mary Sue, does not mean that I'll be anyone's true love!  (Ha…like that'd ever happen…)  I hope it made some people smile!!!  Next time:  Legolas' and his arriving fiancée.


	2. Sayamir, the Tolerable

WRITER'S NOTE:  I have to warn you people, I've been writing this on some sort of crazy whim.  I just sit on my computer and start writing.  I manage to crack myself up many times.  Anyways, I guess I'm warding off any death threats because a lot of this stuff isn't planned.  If it goes, it goes.  Snoogans.

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Lordy!  Legolas and the Unadventures

Part 2:  Sayamir, the Tolerable

By Leila Winters

Leila awoke with a warm, tingly feeling in her toes.  Suddenly, her eyes snapped open and she shook her foot as if a rabid dog was attached to it.

It was morning and the sun filtered in through the balcony, throwing gentle rays onto the large bed.  Legolas came in from his terrace to find the girl shaking her foot like crazy.  He stopped.  "Good morning."

Leila's face contorted into a sort of sheepish grimace and she fought to control the awful tingling sensation in her toes.  "Morning.  My foot's asleep, so if you'll excuse me…"

"Ah."

When the pain had subsided, Leila looked curiously at the elf.  "Did you stay up all night, Legolas?"

The elf nodded.  "Apparently, I have a fiancée I didn't know about."

"WHAT??"

"My parents."

"Oh," reluctantly divulging information about herself, Leila spoke up.  "Yeah, my parents asked me one time if I wanted them to arrange a marriage for me."

Legolas looked interested.  "Really?  What did you say?"

"I told them they could never ask me that again."

"Oh."

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Sayamir Oakwood

Fantasy age:  unknown

Fantasy occupation:  a buxom beauty with flocks of people seeking her worthy gaze (a true fantasy)

Official Title:  Lady of Shalott (no, actually it's Lady of Shrounbriar)

The sun was high in the sky when Sayamir could see the tips of the elegant buildings of Rivendell a ways off on the horizon.  It'd be a day's hard travel, or two days easy travel.  It was a tough decision.

My future husband is reputed to be a handsome man… 

Actually, the choice wasn't so difficult after all.

"Tighten up your gear, men.  We will be on a rough journey."

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"What would you like to see today?"

Leila looked up from the book she was paging through.  She couldn't read elvish anyways.  "Um, how about the gardens?  I haven't seen them yet."

Legolas smiled.  "Elves have very intricate gardens that reflect a beauty of their own.  Each one is unique and exudes a different feeling."

"Bring it on."

Wandering through the beautiful gardens of Legolas' home, Leila became very excited.  The garden itself was enormous and was almost as large as the palace.  Despite it's massiveness, each plant was well tended and each flower given lots of love.  The elves really did like nature.  Huh.  Who'd've thought?

The girl could not stop gushing.  "Eek!  Look at those gorgeous light fixtures!!  I wish we'd get those back at my home!  Oh!  And the fountains!!  Killer!!!  Ooo.  Take a look at these lilies!  They're HUGE!!"

The prince simply laughed.  "You certainly give this place a different atmosphere."

The girl had the dignity to look embarrassed.  "Oh.  Sorry.  This is supposed to be some kind of calm sanctuary, isn't it?"

"On some occasions, yes.  Elves seeking enlightenment, or escape from mental torment may come to their gardens to ease their troubled minds."

"Geez, I'm sorry.  I was just so excited—"

The elf cut her off.  "No, don't be sorry.  It's a refreshing change to a place like this."

Something caught Leila's attention.  "Oh!  Legolas look!"  and with that, the girl reached for the prince's hand and led him away to gaze at more wonders.

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It had been three days since Leila's arrival in Rivendell.  Legolas allowed the girl to use his chamber during her stay.  She slept in his elegant bed while the prince spent most of his nights gazing into the stars on his terrace.  Of the few moments when he would nod off to sleep, it would be on a comfortable feinting chair in the corner of his room.

Nothing extraordinarily eventful had happened.  (Save for a couple of run-ins with the servants.  The girl really could NOT keep her hands off of anything.)  Legolas waited for the inevitable arrival of his distasteful fiancée.  The bane of his existence:  Sayamir Oakwood.

Well, not exactly the bane of his existence.  He had never met the woman, for crying out loud, but he could tell that he would not like her on sight.  His parents had no taste when it came to matters such as this.  He had asked around his palace for any information that may help ease his mind, and she had sounded pleasant enough.  But he knew it was all a lie.  Oh yeah.  He knew.  Nobody going into an arranged marriage was prepared to conform to the other person's ideals.  It would be an unpleasant experience indeed.

That day, Leila and Legolas spent their time in garden again, wandering through one of the stone-themed courtyards.

Mimi came running over to the two.  "Master Greenleaf!!!  Master Greenleaf!!  Your fiancée, Sayamir Oakwood has made an appearance at the palace!  Your parents request your audience immediately, sir!"

Begrudgingly, the elf walked into the palace with a bewildered Leila following behind him.

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Sayamir wasn't much to fawn over, but she certainly had striking features.  A delicate nose sat comfortably in the middle of her gently rounded face.  Long bronze tresses cascaded over her slender back.  Long fingernails adorned her delicate hands.

Okay.  So Sayamir was a looker.  What's it to you?

"I think I despise her," Leila muttered under her breath.

Legolas smirked in response.  He felt very much the same way.

"It is nice to finally meet you…Legolas."  Sayamir had the kind of eyes that sort of swirled with emotion every time she talked.  It really drew you in.  Kind of like a whirlpool without the water.

…That is, unless the girl is crying.  (But she's an elf, so there's really not much to worry about there.)

Legolas sort of nodded in acknowledgment.  "Yes."

The elf's parents did not look very pleased with their son's welcome, but did not say anything.  In order for the couple to get acquainted, the Greenleafs ordered both Sayamir and Legolas to go for a stroll through the gardens, that the girl could familiarize herself with her new home.

Mimi came to fetch Leila, who adamantly refused.  "But-But miss, the Masters said…"

"No," the prince himself piped in, much to his fiancée's dismay.  "Let her come.  Leila is my friend as well as my guest."

Leila gave the elf a smile.  "Why, thank you, Legolas."

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Sayamir could not believe the audacity of her new fiancée.  What should have been a pleasure excursion was rendered a nightmare with that human's presence.  She chattered senselessly on with Legolas as the prince would laugh and lavish his attentions on her.  True, her fiancée was very good looking—correction:  GORGEOUS—but his manners were something else.  She would have to have a talk with that Leila of Winters.

In fact, now was a good a time as any.  "I must speak with you, Leila of Winters."

Now, it's not everyday that an elf will be frank and perhaps downright mean to another being, but Sayamir was different.  When she was angry, her temper could get the best of her and her words could be biting when she wanted them to be.

The girl looked sort of confused.  "Leila of Winters?  What the hell is that?"

"Is that not your name?"

"No, as a matter of fact, it's Leila Winters.  I'm not some kind of ice goddess with strange powers over the worst season in world history."

Ever the diplomat, the prince tried to calm everyone.  "Now, Sayamir, I do not want you disrupting the peace of this area."

"Oh please!  This girl has babbled endlessly and if anyone's disturbed the peace, it is HER."

Leila's nostrils flared.  "I am no girl!  I'll have you know that I own my own apartment and am twenty-five years old!!!"

Sayamir gave a cruel chortle.  "Legolas!  You will listen to this human?  She's a mere babe!"

"How dare you!"

The prince jumped in the middle of the melee before actual fists started flying.  "Both of you, stop!"

At the intensity in the elf's eyes, both girls actually stopped.

"Now, I will speak frankly with you both, and it will come from the heart—as it should—but it will be very uncharacteristic of me, being more on the shy and quiet side.  I assure you, you will not hear as much from me at one time for a long while yet."

Silently, both women sat childishly on the moss at Legolas' feet.  They stared up at him with eyes full of wonder.  The prince felt like going into a dramatized rendition of his adventures as a part of the Fellowship of the Ring.  He struggled to keep his focus.

"Now, Sayamir, I must tell you now that I find your appearance agreeable, but I am not ready to marry you, nor anybody at this point.  And to be frank, I do not see myself marrying you in the future.  EVER.  I hope you understand that.  My heart belongs to my beloved…Lady Adventure.  She loves my archery.  She adores my limber body.  She provides me with excitement and exhilaration I have never before experienced.  Do you understand?"

Sayamir got misty-eyed.  It was rather attractive with her exotic features.  "Oh, Legolas…I think I love you already."

The exasperated prince merely rolled his eyes.  "And Leila.  You have been very dear to me.  You have given me something to laugh about and I have enjoyed being your friend."

There was silence for a long time.

"I'm done."

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After the scene in the garden, Sayamir Oakwood went home with a heavy heart.  _He is truly worthy of my love…how HUNKY!_

Legolas' parents were not at all happy with the situation, but could do nothing to stop it.  They predicted a hundred years of war after the Oakwood's family name was disgraced.  But then they stopped worrying about it when they realized that nobody really cared anyhow.

Leila was facing the elf prince.  "I should head home now."

"Okay."

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Leila was heading towards the mossy place from whence she had come from when she heard a light pitter-patter of feet behind her.  She was surprised because the only time Legolas made noise when he walked was when he was too distraught to think clearly or very excited.  She turned to see the elf running after her.

"Leila!  I'd like to walk with you, if I may."

"Of course."

It was one of those companionable silences that someone else would have been uncomfortable with.  The girl stopped.  "I think this is it."  Leila then proceeded to walk around, her eyes all squinty, until she had found what she was looking for.  "Ah.  Here it is."

She stopped and turned to look at the prince.  "Looks like it's time for us to part ways.  I feel bad about going so abruptly."

The elf's eyes glowed with emotion.  "I must let you know that I very much value the time we have spent together.  You are a dear friend."  The prince took Leila's hands in his and looked deep into her eyes.  "I promise I will come visit you in your world someday."

With that, Legolas leaned over and planted a gentle kiss on Leila's cheek.  "Goodbye, Leila Winters of Koytropolis."

Leila turned to go, but at the last moment, spun and jumped up to embraced the elf hard, sending him stumbling back several steps.  "You are a good man, Legolas Greenleaf."  There was a momentous pause between the two.  "Ciao!"

And Leila entered the rip in time and space.  

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Finding herself sitting in her computer chair, Leila sighed.  She had met her favorite little elf and lived to tell the tale.  Yay.

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^_^  I hope you enjoyed that!  …Actually, I shortened it because I was too lazy to bring in the arrival of Pippin and confrontations between humans and elf…but hey, I think it's all the more funny this way.  Laugh everyday.  It wards off death.

_Lady Riddle:  _Gee…thanks.  I don't think anyone's ever said that about my stuff before.  (And it DOES mean a lot.)  I'll try to keep writing this stuff, but it's not the easiest thing to do!  Thank you for reading!!

_i-love-legolas:  _You're enthusiasm certainly means a lot.  *shifts to an arrogant pose*  Who knew my writing could move people to speechlessness? THANKS!

_AND to myself…_Keep encouraging me.  You're the person whose opinion means the most.  If you don't like what you're doing, you'll stop.  Love yourself.  You're cute enough.  ^_^


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